Why is it always me?
by Katelyn Willows
Summary: The story of Minerva and her daughter and granddaughter, with what would have happned if Remus Lupin did not die.
1. Dinner Anger

**I only own Michelle**

Dinner Anger

Lying on my stomach listening to the rain falling hard outside, I didn't hear the door creak open, nor did I hear footsteps walk across the dusty floorboards. If I had, perhaps I would not have jumped as much when someone sat down next to me and put their soft hand on the small of my back.

"HOLY!"

"It's okay, no need to be scared."

Breathing deeply, trying to regain my composure, the thunder roared causing me to shriek and bury my face in the mattress.  
"Shh. Its okay nothing's going to happen to you. I promise." Minerva McGonagall said calmly rubbing my back. "The rain is stopping, no need for tears."

Had anyone that did not know about Minerva and I walked in, they would have thought she cracked. By being comforting and loving, everything but her usual self.

"Michelle, Mrs. Weasley asked me to come get you for supper, let's go."

"Just let me have one minute okay?"

"Of course love."

Getting up and going to the washroom I wash my hands and face, and then come out.

"Okay I'm ready."

"Good, let's go."

Walking down the stairs to the kitchen my eyes stayed on the floor. Sitting down next to Minerva for supper, I had Remus Lupin sitting across from me. Normally I had no issues with Lupin, but recent events changed this. It was on a night very much like tonight, before the war was over. Lupin, Minerva, my mother and others were fighting the death eaters and Voldemort. Lupin was being attacked by Bellatrix, as his wife had just given birth to a son my mother pushed him out of the way to safety. That night the ones who returned to headquarters were Lupin, Minerva, and Mr. & Mrs. Weasley. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs waiting for them to get back, when they arrived Lupin looked up at me and shook his head. I ran into my room and threw myself on my bed crying.

"Michelle" a voice echoed.

"Michelle" followed by a nudge. "Mrs. Weasley was trying to say something to you."

"I'm sorry I just wasn't here Mrs. Weasley."

"That's alright dear; I was just wondering if you would pass the potatoes?"

I pick up the bowl and pass them to her. As I push my food around my plate, Minerva leans over and whispers "Are you okay doll?"

All I can do is nod then I say, "May I be excused?"

Once excused I make my way to the library and sit in one of the chairs facing the window to the back.

"Minerva, I'm worried about her, is she okay?"

"She will be Molly, just give her time."


	2. Later that Night

**I only own Michelle**

Later that night

Still sitting in the library I hear the door open and the gust of wind from it shutting makes me shiver, as there is no fire going. I hear footsteps, but they are not unfamiliar ones. I close my eyes to give the impression that I am sleeping, hopefully they will buy it. I feel the person sit on the table in-front of me. Her hands placed gently on my knees, her voice soft and sweet.

"Michelle, I know you're not asleep. Open your eyes and look at me."

I do as I am told, and look into the emerald green eyes before me. "I'm sorry for disappearing like that."

"Baby its okay, you were thinking about your mum at supper weren't you?"

I nod and sniffle slightly, "why did she do it?"

"Because honey Teddy had already lost his mum and she didn't want him to lose his father as well. You can understand that right?

"Yes, but what about me? I had no father to begin with."

"I know love but you have Me." she said smiling at me.

"She didn't know you were going to survive." the tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Shh sweetie, come here." she pulls me into her arms lifts me and sits in the chair I had been in.

"Baby, you look just like your mum did when she was your age." she says rocking me and rubbing circles on my back. Soon my crying died down. And I was starting to calm down.

"I'm sorry for being so emotional."

"It's okay. Do you want to go to bed?"

"No. I don't want to leave you."

"Alright, but, I'm tired, will you at least lie down? I'll let you stay with me."

"I guess so."

"Good, lets head back."

Moving me off of her lap she stands up and takes my hand. Leaving the library she squeezed my hand. Getting to the room, she points her wand at the fireplace and warm flames start up.

"Do you need a night dress?"

I nod and she hands me one and says, "Go into the washroom and change." Rubbing a hand along my cheek, she looks deep into my eyes and smiles softly. Ten minutes later I came out and she was already in bed. She motioned for me to come to the bed, as I did so she gathered me up into her arms.

"Michelle please don't hate me. But we have to discuss the elements of your mum's funeral."

I started to shift and tried to push away.

"Elly, please. I know it's painful, and I know you miss her but please." Tears starting to form in her eyes.

"Okay, as long as you promise to never leave me."

"I'll do what I can." she pulls me closer to her and I fall asleep in her arms.


	3. The Funeral

**I only own Michelle**

The Funeral

"Elly, baby I need you to wake up. Come on baby." Minerva said shaking me gently.

"I'm awake." I sigh, tears forming behind my eyes. "It's today isn't it?"

"Yes love it is."

I climb out of bed and see a set of clothes set out for me on the chair.

"Thank you." I croak.

"You're welcome; I'll be downstairs waiting for you."

She walks out of the room and I start to change. Once dressed the reality that I have to say good-bye today hits and I breakdown. Minerva must have seen this coming as she came into the room that moment and handed me a handkerchief. She pulled me into her arms and kissed me.

"Let's go alright?"

I can only nod, that whole day was a blur. I wasn't ready to say good-bye. That night we got back to headquarters and I went straight up to Minerva's room, mainly because I had been sharing a room with Ginny and I didn't really want to talk to her, or to anyone for that matter.

Minerva walked into the kitchen.

"How is she?" Molly asked.

"As well as to be expected, do we have any milk?"

"In the fridge, I thought you drank tea."

"I do, this is for Michelle." She sighs deeply.

"What's wrong?"

"The minister said we have to have a hearing for her custody."

"That shouldn't be that bad, I mean it's not like you can lose, being her grandmother and all."

"I know it's just so much to put on her at once."

"When is the hearing?"

"Tomorrow."

She got the milk and headed up to the room.

"Elly, I have something for you."

"What is it?" I ask looking up at her.

"Something to help you sleep." She tapped the mug with her wand then handed it to me.

"Thank you." I said starting to drink the warm milk.

"Babe, I know you are going to hate me. But, we have to go to the ministry tomorrow for your hearing."

"Why? Just because mum died? I thought you got automatic custody."

"I know so it should only be paper work that we have to sign."

Nodding I put my mug on the bedside table next to me and lie down. She lies down next to me and puts her arm around my middle. She leaned over and kissed my cheek saying, "Good-night love."


	4. The Hearing

**I only own Michelle**

The hearing

The next morning I awoke to find her sitting on the edge of the bed holding me in her eyes. I didn't want to get out of bed, like yesterday the only thing I wanted to do was sleep and dream about my mother. We buried her yesterday and I shall never see her again. Though as I look into the eyes of the woman looking at me I see her, I see her eyes, I see her smile.

"Elly, I need you to get up honey. I didn't tell you this last night, but we have a hearing at the ministry today."

My eyes started to fill with wonder and the start of tears, Merlin had I been crying a lot the past two weeks.

"Hon its for your custody" I open my mouth to speak and she shakes her head "I know its close to the time of losing your mum but, it should be quick and then we can come back here alright?"

I can only nod. I personally think that it is stupid for us to have a hearing; I mean my grandmother is perfectly capable of taking care of me.

"Come on, get up and get ready to go, I laid out clothes for you on the chair I'm going to go down and help with breakfast I want you down there in 15 minutes. I love you peanut"

I watch as she walks out of the room, Merlin they even walk the same. I get out of bed and get dressed quickly and decide to try something. I grab my brush and head downstairs. Lupin says "Good-morning Michelle" I nod to him still not happy. I walk over to the fire where Minerva is sitting and sit in front of her on the floor and hand her my brush. She smiles warmly and brushes it and pulls it into an elegant French knot.

"Look at me" she says. I turn around and look at her. "You look just like she did when she was your age." She leans forward and kisses my cheek softly and then whispers in my ear "shall we get breakfast?"

I nod slightly.

After breakfast we head out to the ministry and have a little run-in with the minister. I stand there holding her hand eyes downcast to the floor. I don't want to be here I don't want to be around the things that remind me of my mum.

"Good-morning Minerva"

"Good-morning minister."

"I suppose that you are here for the hearing." He said stating facts more then asking questions.

I start to squirm a little and the hand I'm holding gets tighter.

"Yes we are, now if you will excuse us we should be getting to where we need to be."

As we walk away I look up into her eyes and say, "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it love, lets just get this over with alright?"

I nod. "Why do they have to do this?"

"The hearing?"

"Yes."

"I honestly don't know, in your mothers will she left you to me. Considering I'm the only other family you have" she pulls me into a side hug then kneels down so that she can look into my eyes, "Elly, you have gone through so much for your 11 years but promise me that you can get through today. Can you promise me that?"

"I'll do my best."

She pulls me into another hug and kisses my cheek before pulling back and straightening my clothes. We walk to an office and knock.

"Come in" came a cold voice.

We walked in and sitting behind the desk was the woman who kept looking at me funny at the funeral. I wanted to hide behind my grandmothers back but wanted her to think that I could be a big girl.

"Please sit down."

We each take separate chairs and look at the woman.

"I'm going to make this as painless as possible, I have been watching you and have decided that you are a fit guardian for the girl, all I need you to do is sign the papers and then we can be on our way."

Minerva opened her mouth to protest, but then closed it, took a deep breath and said "where do I sign?"

After signing the paperwork we were allowed to leave, both of us thunder struck that it was that easy. Once outside the ministry she picked me up in a huge hug. Kissing me and crying the whole time, so that when she finally put me down my face was soaked from kisses and tears. I take a hold of her hand again and start tracing the lines and the veins on it.

"What are you doing?" she asked with a smile in her voice.

"Remembering."

"What are you remembering?"

"Mum's hands."

"Do you want to go get ice-cream?"

I look up at her and say "yes please."

After getting ice-cream and wandering through Diagon Alley we decided that it was time to head back to headquarters.

"You ready to go babe?"

"Yes, thank you."

"You're welcome."

We walk a little farther down the alley, "hold on to me alright?"

I grab her waist and cling the next thing I know we are back at head quarters. I hold on to her a little longer to gain my balance and then head upstairs. I'm sitting on the bed looking at old pictures, the tears falling down my face. Pictures of the father I never met, whos family was killed by Voldemort, pictures of my mother and grandmother. Pictures of me with my mum from when I was little, I was so absorbed in them that I didn't hear the door open or footsteps walk across the floor, I didn't even feel it when they sat on the bed next to me. Then a hand was rubbing my back in comforting circles, I was handed a handkerchief and dried my eyes. Looking over I saw eyes that understood my pain I felt arms grab and hold me into a soft warm body.

"Elly, Elly, its dinner time. Elly I need you to wake up."

I opened my eyes and looked into green eyes that were misty. "Its dinner time love, come on lets go."

Two strong hands lifted me out of bed and dried my eyes. I was being walked over to the sink and had my face washed. "Are you ready for dinner?"

"Yes, I think so…Do I really have to go down?"

"Yes my love you do."

Walking down hand in hand with my grandmother we stop just out side of the kitchen.

"Sweetie, I want you to talk to me tonight alright?"

"Ok."

"No more tears now, you can cry as much as you want to later." She said bending over to give me a kiss and a hug.

We walk into the kitchen, many faces looking at us, mainly me. I sit besides my grandmother across from Lupin again. I refuse to look up at him and when I must there is a clear sense of hatred in my eyes. Dinner flashes by me as I wait to be allowed to return upstairs. When dinner is over however, "I have it and Michelle can help me" my grandmother said. She waves her wand and the plates are cleared and washed and put away then the glasses followed by the silverware.

"Elly, what's wrong? Talk to me, please I'm worried about you."

"It's not fair, yes I know you already explained it all to me and said why she did it but, ITS NOT FAIR." I accidentally shouted.

"Michelle, I know you're angry but please don't shout at me."

"I'm sorry. Was there something I could have done?" At this I crumble to the floor and can't stop crying I'm lying there huddled up against the wall.

Molly heard my sobs and came running in, "Is she ok Minerva?"

"She will be." She moves over to me and pulls me into her arms and starts rocking back and forth. "Shhhh its ok, honey I have you. Elly-belly." After a few minutes my crying dies down. I look up at the woman holding me tightly, "I'm sorry"

"Don't worry, come on lets go get you in a hot bath and get you to bed, does that sound good?" I can only nod slightly, I'm so drained from crying so much. She lifts me up and carries me upstairs and into the washroom. She starts the water and realizing that I'm not doing much on my own looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Baby do I have to do this? I don't mind, just let me know if I do. Do you want me to?" I nod. She undoes the button on my jeans and stands me up and takes them off, followed by my underwear and finally my shirt, she lifts me and puts me into the tub, she starts humming as she gives me my bath. When she is done she dries me off and gets me into pajamas and puts me to bed, covering me up and kissing me goodnight. She walked around to the other side of the bed and crawled under the covers next to me.


	5. Talking is the Hardest thing to do

**I only own Michelle**

Talking is the hardest thing to do

The next morning dawned dark and cold. I rolled onto my side to face my future, I look into a face that I recognize, but at the same time I don't recognize it. The face of two different women, who are yet the same person. I keep looking at her smiling trying not to cry for fear of waking her up. I close my eyes again and the alarm goes off. She reaches across me to turn it off.

"Wake up my love." Kisses me on the cheek.

I stretch and look into her eyes and fall through the misty green eyes peering down at me.

"I was thinking, today you and I could go for a little walk to the park that is in the neighborhood and have a picnic lunch, just you and me."

"Why?"

"Please don't start shouting at me again. But, so that we can talk, I know you don't want to and that you think you're not ready. But I think that you need to talk at some point in time, and the sooner you talk about how you're feeling the faster you will recover. Please don't cry."

"Grandma, I'm not ready to talk. It's not that I don't love you it's, that I'm not ready to talk yet, and pushing me is only going to make me stay quite longer. Maybe next month maybe even next year…"

"Elly…" she said in her teacher voice.

"Okay if I talk to you do I still have to talk to Lupin?"

"Elly is that what this is about?"

I nod my head.

"You're still mad aren't you?"

"Grandma the reason is, she didn't know if you were going to survive, she didn't know how you were doing…unless…you didn't, oh, tell me you didn't."

"No I didn't tell her it was okay. I would have tried to stop her. The only reason I know why she did it is because I would have done the same thing, now can you understand that?"

"I can understand it…I…I…I just can't accept it."

"I know, honey I know. But we still have each other. Now climb over here and get into my arms and cry if you want to let your emotions out, because after today I want you to start talking to people again. No you aren't allowed to stay in the library and read."

I give her a mock glare and climb onto her lap and put my head on her chest. She starts humming to me and rocking me, after about half an hour she looks down at me and smiles. Then she did something that no one ever thought she would do and something she would deny if asked she picked up her wand locked the door and laid back down in bed with me held as tightly as a new born baby and we both fell back to sleep.


	6. Apologies

**Ok the only one I take clame for is Elly**

Apologies

Apologies

I guess neither of us knew just how tired we were, we woke up the following morning still holding each other.

"How are you feeling today kiddo?"

"Pretty good. You smell just like she did." I say smiling fondly.

"I know, now if we don't get downstairs then Mo…Mrs. Weasley may start to worry about me."

"Race you to the shower!"

Quick as lightening I ran to the shower, not realizing the floor was wet I slipped and hit my head.

"Oh my gosh Elly are you alright?"

"Yup" I say starting to get up.

"Don't move...stay there for a minute."

I groan, but stay lying on the floor. She walks over to me and gently lifts my head checking for bumps. She touches the back of my skull and I wince slightly. She helps me stand slowly and smiles.

"Be careful next time; now hurry up so I can get in."

After showering and dressing in normal clothes we headed downstairs to breakfast. Still holding her hand but I had started smiling, which made everyone happy. Hermione looked at me and smiled and beckoned me to sit by her. Minerva let go of my hand and pushed me slightly to say, "Go on". I looked back up with hesitation in my eyes; I was scared, of what I didn't know. Maybe it was because it would be the first time in three months that I would be forced to speak with someone else in that house apart from my grandmother. Still not moving she reached down and swatted my butt which made me move. Going to sit by Hermione, I found that I wasn't the only one who was suffering, I had been so wrapped up in losing my mum that I completely forgot about everyone else in that house. Hermione had permanent scars, Madame Pomfrey tried her hardest to heal them but to no avail. Mrs. Weasley had lost Fred, Teddy Lupin had lost his mother and almost his father as well.

Dinner went by fast; afterwards I offered to help do the dishes. Mrs. Weasley stood on my left washing them with me drying them.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Weasley."

"Whatever for my dear?"

"For going around sulkly, not thinking about how much everyone else has lost. I'm really sorry."


	7. Hiking

**I only own Michelle**

Hiking

I woke up early that morning. Grandma and I had moved out of headquarters and back to the house she had grown up in. She decided that we could have joint headquarters, as her house was nicer and much larger. I had been there a lot as a child, mainly when mum needed to go on missions for the order, then….. Sufficed to say I hadn't been around much that reminded me of her except for grandma and the others in the order. Grandma put me in mum's old room, which really held her essence and spirit. Getting up and looking out of the window, I saw that it was a cool morning, so I put on a pair of jeans a sweater and my hiking boots and decided that a hike would be great. So carefully walking down the stairs and into the kitchen I grabbed a water bottle and some trail mix, and left. Getting to the base of the mountain in about five minutes, I started up; I was planning to get to the creek at the middle of the mountain where mum had taken me when I was little. The animals there were used to me and didn't scare me or bother me. Getting to the clearing where there was a little cabin I decided to stop for a while. I explored the area around the cabin, there were no signs saying that it was private property. I walked in, closing the door behind me I fell against the door when I recognized it. It looked identical to mums old room. Everything right down to the pictures lined along the wall were the same. I walked over to the bed and it still smelled of her perfume, as if she had just been there. I laid down and started crying. Then deciding not to ruin the lovely cabin, I went out and sat by the stream.

"Elly, there you are" came a frantic cry. "Why, Elly, please leave a note or something next time…" seeing the tears "honey are you ok?"

Wiping them away "I'm fine" I lied.

Seeing the cabin behind me "Elly, honey she made it for you. So that you would have a place to escape to if you needed it."

Just looking at her, I could see the pain behind her eyes, the tears forming and slipping out of the corners of her eyes, I reached up and wiped them away.

"It's ok love. Don't worry about me I just want you to tell me before you go off like that again." She stood up and reached down for my hand, I took it and we walked side by side down part of the mountain. After about ten minutes she stopped me and said, "hold onto me dear." I gave her a quizzical look and then wrapped my arms around her middle. I felt a funny feeling as we disappeared and re-appeared in the kitchen of the manor. "Now I think it is time for lunch then time for a nap, what do you think?"

I just nod, to tired and hurt to say much of anything.

"Alright you go and sit by the fire in the sitting room and I will make us some lunch alright?" She pulls me into a quick hug then kisses me gently. "Go on"

I walked into the sitting room and curled up in an armchair by the fire and closed my eyes. "Elly? Elly?" a soft voice was saying. "Elly, it's time for lunch." Nodding I get up and follow her into the kitchen where we have a lunch of warm tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. After eating she waves her wand and the dishes clean themselves. "Nap time love. If you would like you may sleep in the sitting room."

"Thank-you" I squeak. Walking into the sitting room I curl up on the chair again and start to fall asleep. I remember feeling strong arms lifting me and carrying me somewhere, I remember feeling a warming sensation filling my body and I remember a soft delicate heart beat. Several hours later I was being shaken awake, "time to get up sleepy head, dinner time then you may go back to sleep."

"Do I have to? Or may I stay asleep? Please?"

I could hear her sigh, "alright". She covered me up again and went into the kitchen.


	8. The Beginning of School

**I only own Michelle**

Beginning of School

"Michelle Anne-Marie!" Grandma shouted up the stairs.

"Yes?" I say coming down the stairs at that moment.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes ma'am."

Running down the last of the stairs I missed the last five and fell in a heap on the ground.

"Are you okay Elly?"

"Yes I'm fine."

Pulling myself up from the ground I lean on her for support.

"Let's go shall we?"

I nod and she hugs me tightly and spins on the spot and a few moments later we arrive outside of the school. I release my arms from her middle and walk side-by-side with her up to the gates of the castle. She opens the gates and we get inside the grounds. I look at her with a smile and she smiles back and nods. I run off to find Hagrid, to see if he has any new and strange animals for me to see.

"Michelle, I want you back up at the castle by noon for lunch alright?"

"I will!"

Looking down at my watch I notice I have an hour to visit Hagrid and get up to the castle. I go over to see him and knock on the door. He opens it and fang nearly nocks me over. "Michelle, how are ya doing?"

"Really good, how was your summer?"

"Long, didn't find nothing interrestering to bring back to y'all for this year."

"That's okay you still have a month!"

"Ah, yes, well I'm going to go take a visit to the forest. I'll see you later."

"Okay."

Running up the grassy lawn to the castle, I push open the heavy oak front doors and run up the marble staircase all the way to the tower that holds mums office. I knock on the door and it opens to reveal a long hallway that is lined with bookcases that reach all the way to the ceiling. I stand there in awe at just how many books must be in the family. Walking down the hall I see grandma opening boxes and sorting through papers. I walk up behind her and latch my arms around her middle, causing her to jump.  
"Elly, what have I told you about doing that?" she asks turning so my face is now in her stomach.

"I'm sorry." I let go and sit on the floor as all of the chairs are covered with boxes and papers. I pull my legs into me so that my knees are under my chin and close my eyes. I hear a swish of cloth and feel someone kneeling next to me; strong arms are soon lifting me and carrying me into the next room. Finally the arms set me down on what seems to be a bed.

"Elly, look at me."

I look up at her; I'm feeling bad about grabbing her after she had asked me not to do it again.  
"Elly, you need to stop this, okay? You need to stop collapsing and curling up in a ball when you don't feel happy or when you feel bad. Do you understand me?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Good, now let's go and get some lunch."

I scoot off of the bed, and take her hand as she leads me out of the room, through the office and once again through the hall lined with bookshelves and into the hallway. Going down to the school kitchens, we go in and eat a small lunch.

After lunch we go back to her office to finish her paper work. I get bored sitting there so I get a book from the shelf, walking over to the fire I kick off my shoes and put my feet under me. While I'm reading, grandma comes and stands over me, looks down and startles me.

"What are you reading?" She asks closing the book so she can see the title. "Advanced Transfiguration for the Dark Ages. An interrestering choice."

"Thank you." I say shifting in the chair. "Grandma?"

"Yes dear?"

"When do the other professors get here?"

"Most of them will get here in about a week."  
"How many students do you think will be here?"

"I don't know sweetie, I don't know. We lost a number of students and great families during the war. I'm sure that it will be much smaller classes that you have." She smiles and squeezes my shoulder and walks back to her desk. The clock chimes six times; I close my book and look at her. Her eyes meet mine, "hungry for dinner?" I nod. She waves her wand and a pot of soup and two steaming mugs of tea are sitting on the small table near me. I go join her at the table, and take a sip of my tea. I continue eating, dinner is a quite meal. Once I'm through eating she looks at me and smiles. I can't help noticing that she looks older, the lines around her eyes are deeper, and her face is drawn.

"What are you looking at darling?"

"Just noticing how different you look."

"What do you mean?"

"You look older."

"That happens, now I'm going to do some more paper work, you may continue reading, would you like some more tea?"

"Yes please."

She refills my mug and I go back to my seat by the fire. Even though I'm in front of the fire I'm still cold, I take my sweater off and place it over my legs like a blanket. I put my head on the arm and continue to read. I stir slightly when I feel myself being covered by a tartan blanket. The book is removed from my hands, and a soft kiss placed upon my cheek.


End file.
